So, as you all can tell, its been quite awhile since I last posted. My apologies!
When we last left off, I had been to the doctor and got some not-so-good news. I wish I could come to you and say that I’m now a 150-lb weight-lifting machine. I wish I could tell you that my insomnia, body aches, and whatever the heck was happening last time was gone. I wish I could tell you everything is perfect.
But its not.
If fact, there for a little while, things were pretty durn rough. For one, this weight ain’t gone nowhere. Truthfully I haven’t tried SUPER hard to get it off, but I had been exercising and eating better more than I had. AND IT HASN’T GONE ANYWHERE. So frustrating.
But I also fell back into bouts of depression. Let me tell you, it very closely resembles what I picture the depths of hell to be. (For those who don’t know, I developed mild postpartum depression with Brody but never gave in to medication until Bro was about 8-9 months old. I was prescribed an anti-anxiety med that worked wonders.)
My relationship with Jeremy suffered. My relationships with family and friends suffered. I was a raging mess that no one, ESPECIALLY Brody, deserved to be put through.
But I couldn’t stop it.
Emotions ran wild and one moment I was happy-go-lucky, and the next, I’d tell you to go to hell. It sucked. Though I loved Bro, and J, and everyone else, I did not show it. I acted like a little bratty child who didn’t get her way. I couldn’t find the good in any situation. I was the most Negativest (Is that even a word? It is now!) Nancy the world could ever know. I couldn’t let Brody go to Jeremy’s grandma’s (ya know, the one who takes great care of him while we’re working?!) house without freaking out. Sleep…ha. Yeah, right! My mind raced at the darkest hour while these two guys were snoring. IF I was able to find zzz’s, I woke up SO.DANG.TIRED. I could barely get through the day. I had to resort to naps. And if I didn’t get one, I was the illest hornet. (See what I said about a bratty child not getting her way?) It was almost like I wasn’t really me. I mean, sure, I can be a b-witch at times, but my life seemed to be crumbling by the moment.
I’m not sure what made me give in to getting on a *very* low-dose anxiety prescription. But I, myself, and everyone around me agrees it was the best thing I could have made at that time.
Are things fine and dandy and roses and daisies 100% of the time? Nope. Can I control my emotions now? Yes, at least most of the time. (“That time of the month”, for instance!)
I know my thoughts and words can be hard to follow, but I guess today’s rambling is to let those out there dealing with something know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. The prettiest, most put-together woman can be hiding things they don’t want anyone else to know about.
But you shouldn’t feel ashamed.
In fact, the more these issues are talked about, the less there is a stigma about it. Which leads me to the death of Linkin Park front-man, Chester Bennington, and Soundgarden & Audioslave front-man, Chris Cornell. I grew up listening to both of these very talented voices. Because of this evil thing called “depression”, two rock legends will never sing another song.
Do I believe ending your life is the only decision after you’ve had so much? I am not at liberty to make that decision for anybody, or to judge them. I know life can be hard at times…and sometimes you think that your worries and faults will all be gone if you end your life, but you must understand THERE IS HELP out there. You are the only one who can make the decision to get the help you need, and deserve! So if the thought of taking your life has ever crossed your mind, please, reach out.
And those of you who see these suspicious posts, understand these people are not “drama queens” or just looking for attention. They are crying out for help. And it is your obligation to check in on these people and help them seek medical attention!
And if you “don’t want to get in their business”…well, then there is always prayer!